Fri, Jan 19, 2018 11:42 AM
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 issue
2003-12-19 tracking communities section
Smile Awhile
The Rules
Sara Hopson
A few years ago, there was a very popular book out called The Rules that instructed women on every aspect of how to handle their men. We always hear the rules from the woman's point of view, but recently I received a message via the Internet that explained the rules from the man's point of view. And because men consider no rule on this list more important than any other, they are all tagged No. 1.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl, if it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about leaving it down, do you?

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no we're not ever going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want and let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, accept an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I AM in shape round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that. It's like camping.

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