Tue, Mar 20, 2018 10:29 PM
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 issue
2004-01-02 life & times
The worst films of 2003
Cletus Turner

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The year 2003 has been an up-and-down year for the movies. There have been stunning successes and horrible flops. But, from among the worst, we've chosen ten that have to be the biggest stinkers of the year.

The first of the worst would have to be Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Sadly, the television show just doesn't translate well to the big screen. Plus, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz are good actresses, however, their characters are just too cheesy to be believable. We got to hear the voice of the original Charlie, but Bosley was changed from Bill Murray, who was excellent in the role, to Bernie Mac. Mac might have been good on his own, but following in the shoes of Murray was just too difficult.

Another film that bombed was Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. While the video game was popular, this stinker wasn't. The reason for that is the total stupidity that came out on the screen. After all, how many people who have been left to die on the ocean floor can say they punched a shark and got it to take them to the surface? That wasn't the only problem with the film, but it certainly stands out as one of the worst moments of the year. Besides, Angelina Jolie is an Oscar winner. The audience expects more than a piece of garbage movie.

What do you get when you take two A list performers who might or might not have romantic links to each other, put them together in a film, and expect big things? The answer is simply, Gigli. Both Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have had some huge movies over the past number of years, so why shouldn't the movie industry expect a film with both stars to produce? Why the film was such a dud can't be completely understood. Both are competent actors and the story isn't all that bad. The chemistry between the two actors just wasn't there on the big screen and the story, which was supposed to have comedic elements, just didn't seem to be going anywhere. Sadly, neither does Ben and JLo's relationship.

American Idol has been a phenomenon as of late. So, if you take the first season's winner and the runner up, put them in a film, you should have a bona fide hit on your hands, right? Wrong. From Justin To Kelly blew up so bad that it never even came near our area. Reviews were bad, too. Why? No story, bad acting and just horrific cinematography? Who came up with this idea? Didn't people notice how bad it was as it was being made? Something so colossally bad just can't have gotten past all the execs. Luckily, there are no plans for From Clay to Ruben.

Mixed reviews didn't hurt Anger Management from making over $100 million at the box office. The problem with the film is that it just wasn't funny. Jack Nicholson might have been an Oscar winner and has had some outrageously funny movies with As Good As It Gets, among others, but Anger just didn't seem to catch fire like Nicholson's other films. Adam Sandler has been a surefire hit machine, but even he wasn't able to make this film funny. He just seemed to be going through the motions.

After two "funny" movies, Scary Movie 3 three looked like it might be the best of them all. Appearances can be deceiving. With Pamela Anderson, Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy, the film looked like it would be chalked full of hilarity. The film flopped, mainly because the audience could say it had already seen most of what the film had to offer. The films the movie parodied were great films like The Ring and Signs, but Scary just couldn't make anything funny because it was using gags the audience had seen in the previous two films. A joke recycled once might be a little funny, but when it is recycled again, that is too much.

Arnold Schwarzennegger might have been elected governor of California, but T3:Rise of the Machines should have been terminated before it hit the screen. Convoluted plot lines, bad acting and stale graphics killed this film before it even began its run. A female terminator has come from the future to kill John Connor. The terminator from the previous movie is there to protect him, but the female terminator turns the male terminator against its master, not once, but twice. What? That's what audience members were saying pretty quickly and the filmed died at the box office after its first two weeks.

Hulk smash! That is what moviegoers were saying when this mess came to the big screen. Maybe expectations were so high that no film could have performed well. The problem is Hulk didn't appear in the film until well over half way through. It must have made Hulk feel sad not to really be in his own movie. While the computer graphics were good, changing the story was not a good move and it angered hard core comic lovers. For those that didn't know the complete story, they weren't impressed either.

Stinky kitty, The Cat in the Hat, was not a kids movie. Why else would the writers, director and producers have the cat go to a strip club, of all things. While I know films are trying to interest both adults and children, please don't destroy a good concept in the name of the almighty buck. Mike Meyers should be shot.

A dishonorable mention must go to A Mighty Wind and The Matrix sequels. Wind was just that, a gust of wind that was in the theater a week. The Matrix sequels had so much expectation attached to them, they couldn't possibly have measured up. And, the storyline that was supposed to be so great ended up being a dud as well.

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