|Sun, May 27, 2018 10:23 PM
|Wednesday, March 8, 2017 issue
A closed mouth gathers no foot
01/05/2007 - The Internet is changing the way Americans live, think and visit. And though I never thought I'd succumb to computer-mania, I took to it like a duck takes to water. One of the entertaining advantages of it is the sharing of amusing anecdotes, stories and jokes. So, without further ado, here are a few tidbits that have been making the rounds.
First, a few theories and witticisms about everybody's favorite subject: exercise.
• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks, but I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.
And now a few words of "wisdom" about life in general:
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique — just like everybody else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• The things that come to those who wait are what is left behind by those who got there first.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• You can get anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• The older you get, the better you get (unless you're a banana).
And, we'll end this list of wisdom with a twist on an old Irish adage: "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, just leave me alone."