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Fri, Nov 17, 2017 09:13 PM
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 issue

Smile Awhile


A closed mouth gathers no foot


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01/05/2007 - The Internet is changing the way Americans live, think and visit. And though I never thought I'd succumb to computer-mania, I took to it like a duck takes to water. One of the entertaining advantages of it is the sharing of amusing anecdotes, stories and jokes. So, without further ado, here are a few tidbits that have been making the rounds.

First, a few theories and witticisms about everybody's favorite subject: exercise.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks, but I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.

And now a few words of "wisdom" about life in general:

It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique — just like everybody else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The things that come to those who wait are what is left behind by those who got there first.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

You can get anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

The older you get, the better you get (unless you're a banana).

And, we'll end this list of wisdom with a twist on an old Irish adage: "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, just leave me alone."

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