Sat, Mar 17, 2018 03:25 AM
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 issue

Smile Awhile

Don't squeeze the Charmin

01/04/2008 - Even though this column does not have a New Year's theme, I couldn't help but comment on the couple who were going to celebrate their wedding in a strange and unique manner.

Now, I'm not adverse to non-traditional ceremonies. Ronnie and I were married on the stage in Paintsville's Historic Downtown Sipp Cinema as a group of little girls did a pantomime rendition of "Wishin' and Hopin'" from My Best Friend's Wedding, and the Blues Brothers brought our marriage certificate out in a brief case. But the upcoming wedding I read about last week surpasses ours by a mile.

It seems that the couple have decided to be married in a public restroom. I'm quite sure that they didn't meet there since they are both a different gender and don't make a habit of using the same facilities. But even more unusual is that the bride's gown will be made of toilet paper. That's right, toilet paper!

Actually, I didn't think it would be possible to have an article of clothing made from toilet paper because the kind I use doesn't hold up very well after one use. The article also didn't say if the designer was going to be using the one-ply or two-ply variety, but I bet it had to be doubled no matter what. It also didn't say what the groom would be wearing, but it will probably be something without a cummerbund, don't you think? On a positive note, the dress will be soft and easily removed. The bride will also be able to wipe up spills quickly or use it as a hanky if she becomes emotional during the ceremony.

And, you have to admit that there are several perks about getting married in a restroom. For example, you always have a mirror handy, you can change clothes in one of the stalls, and you have those hand dryers for quick fingernail polish touch-ups. And it goes without saying how convenient it is for your incontinent friends. However, the downside is that a beer-guzzling drunk might happen in at anytime and want to relieve himself.

I don't know if there were going to be any bridesmaids, but the bathroom attendant could double as the Maid of Honor. The best man would certainly have to be someone with a "bathroom" sense of humor.

It was noted, however, that they weren't sending out invitations since they were only going to use the restroom on a first-come, first-serve basis, but the honored tradition of a long receiving line will be observed, especially on the women's side.

The mother of the bride noted that her daughter was "flushed" with excitement. And, although they didn't show a picture of the father of the bride, I know he was ecstatic since a case of toilet paper is considerably cheaper than a Vera Wang original. And since wedding gowns aren't usually worn again, this one can be rolled up and left in the bathroom for emergencies.

It was appropriate that the groom's name was John. I can't remember the bride's name, but it sounded European. The guests were to receive bottles of eau d'toilette as a memento of the occasion.

They also didn't report on where the reception would be held, but I know that one of the dishes they will be serving is a Chinese Pu Pu tray. I don't even want to speculate on what kind of bowl they'll use for the punch.

The happy couple will be honeymooning in Flushing, N.Y.

Appalachian Regaional
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